Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
