What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I could fuck to npr.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
