I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
