I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
