you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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