I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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