I just saw a hot homeless man
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
