The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
