my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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