Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
