my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
