I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
