Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
