After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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