I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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