I'm so fucking centered right now
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
