I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
