I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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