I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
