It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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