Life is so much better after having sex.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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