I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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