Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
