I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
