just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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