I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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