Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Sober January is a disaster.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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