im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
