I think I died a long time ago.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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