You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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