I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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