Christians are straight up FREAKS
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Holy shit dude........stairs
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize