my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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