i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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