I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
