Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
