Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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