im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
How external is "for external use only"?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
