BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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