I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
