fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize