Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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