what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
