Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
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