I just cut my nipple shaving
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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