ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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