I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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