you're like a bully in the Christmas story
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
