i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
