I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
