I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
