So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
