i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
