Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
