god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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