so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
