this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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